schizo affective life

I was watching cnn one morning and seen a guy that was of native us origin, who had been harassed and detained at an airport, for simply being “ethnic”. The whole thing was that because he learnt he was on a terrorist watch list, etc, he decided to devote a website to his daily life, letting users track him via gps, uploading pictures as he went about his mundane life etc.

Something  inside said maybe this would work for me, to help alleviate the paranoia, give me a place to sound off, get crap out of my head so as I can see it, read it, come back to it, and form a better conclusion as to my overall mental well being.

A place to rant, a friend to talk to when alone, whatever, just a method to get  outside of myself. To try to better myself and my family. Maybe even pick up a nickle or two selling adspace.

I did this even against my own best judgement as I had spent time on the Internet when it was young and watched it grow into the evil that it is. A place where one is afraid to click on anything as it might download a virus or a stealth dialer calling a foreign porn site at $20. a minute as you sleep all snug in bed.

A place where pedophiles coerce children into unnatural acts, and the best selling products are pictures of naked 9 year old girls. The highest sought after services are those of people who sell themselves for sex, to only give their ill gotten gain right back to the same beast that enslaves them.

A place where one spends a thousand or more on a high end camera, watch, or other on ebay, to receive a box of rocks in the mail, and later find there’s absolutely nothing they can do about it as the shipper has their signature proving they got what they paid for. Yes a horrible place indeed.

Even knowing all this I persisted in my quest to try to better myself, to get out of “my head”, maybe even help another along the way. After all Life is what we make of it right, I thought I could inject some small piece of good into this horrible place.

Was I ever wrong, or am I still as always just a quitter? I am not sure. I am trying to come to terms with the question and answer here, now.

The reality of what I have experienced, in less than 1 month of this domain even being registered, and bear in mind I can prove all of it, even as “crazy” as I am are:

I noticed a few “lurking”,from my server log files, People reading my pages from different parts of the world, yet not joining the site or participating in anyway. I just figured they were here for a laugh, or maybe, a bit off as I and would join in when and if ever they felt safe enough to. No big deal. Or so I thought.

Three. That’s 3 people by my log files, three unique users, traceable to their hometown, and state by their ip information. Of which 1 I invited, and another who was looking for a recipe for bushs baked beans, and was referred by google. That leaves 1.

1unique user, referred by kansas city craigslist, as I placed a post there, introducing the site, in some small hope of finding others like myself I could safely interact with. I did this even knowing that is one of the worst sites in the world, as they peddle flesh with their erotic services section with no remorse, no block for children.

Yes folks its like a traffic accident, even I can not at times resist the temptation to look, knowing all the while that I am making it worse with this one simple act, because if we none did, the site would simply vanish without users.

You have your reasons for looking, I have mine. When I look, I see the flesh, some times horrid to the point of laughter, sometimes more beautiful than morning dew. I read mostly, I note the lack of spelling skills, the more often than not, blank stares at the camera, usually drugged in appearance, and one can only assume a “pimp” taking the picture that most probably has them bound into slavery with drugs.

I read the words of how shes the one to “treet” me right, and how I can be her “dady”, as her eyes tell me so much different in the staged pictures.

I think of these poor souls, bound for whatever reason, in the chains of their own making. I think of the ones to follow, the little 13 ,14, 15 year old girl, that ended up there for whatever reason, as I reading the ads, but not educated enough nor enough life experience to know what those eyes are really saying, nor see the typos, I have pointed out above.

I think of these kids and more to follow, as they to may be in a abusive family, being molested, whatever and looking for a way out of it. I think about how they may see this as a viable alternative to their miserable existence. They know after all, that its all “men” really want anyway. They have learnt already, their father, step father, uncle, brother, grandfather, neighbor, foster parent, has already taught them this. They know. Its an easy next step.

It hurts me to know of those already there, and those that will surely follow. Yet I look as do most of you when not a one should. Some even make the call, arrange the “date”,for whatever, perverse reasoning they may have, some because, they see the eyes as I do, and know a kindred spirit, and cant bear another moment alone. They call. Captain save a hoe? I digress.

1 unique visitor, referred by kc.craigslist.com.

Hookers in pain. Women in chains. Kindred spirits. 1 and the same, yet two possible outcomes. I here, she there.

Her royal majesty, she calls herself, as she lets “him” take pictures of her to place on the Internet to sell her soul, to feed the beast that enslaves her. Another piece of fall apart chinese crap, another serving of poisoned imported chinese shrimp at the casino, feeding the beast another piece of her soul. Awake another day to brush her teeth with $7. a tube poisoned toothpaste as she avoids the eyes in the mirror.

1Chance,1opportunity,to lash out against the world she feels has done her wrong. She grasp, she clings to it, she revels in the ability to hurt another as she hurts inside. To make another feel the pain and humiliation of her existence.

Empathy.

I am but another you.

Abuse, pain, guilt, remorse.

Empathy.

1chance, a name on a page. 1Chance to make another feel the pain and humiliation as she.

The evil among us, within us all, not given by a “god”, but by a “man” (human), as is all evil.

Assumptions, or to ass-u-me.

I assume it was her, as I am a fan of writing styles, paying note to the obvious. Its true,  no matter how hard we try we all continue to make the same mistakes. We continue to misspell the same words over and over, punctuate in the wrong places. We just cant help it. Whats it matter anyway, as long as the first and last letters of a written word are correct, our brains still read it correctly, as we were taught to do. The same as we tough ourselves to misspell the words in correctly, we simply can not un-learn it.

Hate.

I want to hate her as she hates me, as I assume it was her. Not that I I know her or ever will. I assume it was her as I once posted there, as I do here, my lunatic rantings, political on the most part. She would step in from time to time, to point out how stupid I must be because I had misspelled a word, never bothering to read or attempt to comprehend the meanings of the words, nor argue the validity there of. Just some pathetic attempt to make her  self feel better, even if but for a moment that day. I ass-u-me it was her. I know who she is by her writing style, both from her post in the erotic section, and her many assumed personalities in r&r and politics.

Maybe it wasn’t, perhaps I cling to her from afar, as I see myself within her. Maybe I blame her, as I blame myself.

Maybe it was you?

I am but another you.

We hate others because we see ourselves in them and cannot stand what we see. We hurt others so they to will know the pain we feel.

Love.

I love you, whoever you are. I love you for showing me that somethings should not be said here.

I Love you for showing me again the emotions I was blessed with, not as ape seed as some would believe, but as a gift from “god”. To help me, you, us make it thru this crazy maze we call life.

Hate.

I hate the evil people and things, that have made you, whoever you are so hateful that you could read, my stories of abuse and pain, and still find it within yourself to attempt to hurt me more.

Prayer.

I pray to never make those I know or love feel the pain, guilt or shame, of my existence.

Wish.

I wish I had within my power, to take your pain from you, so you would not choose to share it with another as you have with me.

Forgive.

I forgive you, sleep well my friend, I bear you no malice, nor ill will. I hope in time youfind the help you so desperatley need.