Making Home Made Bullseye Baked Beans
Well here it is, mothers day. Not much unlike any other day for me without “meds”. Just trying to get this site set up.
My significant other Rochelle has a date to go to her mothers house today. I know for most its a happy time, a time of good food and cheer, showing ones appreciation for things done, etc. For me its not like that at all. My head just spins when I go there or other “family” functions with her. It just wont shut the Fu(% up, that’s all. I honestly cant hear people speaking to me sometimes because its so loud.
Stupid crap, I know. For instance if she leaves my side, I just cant help but feel that she’s “up to something”, always second guessing her, never trusting fully, no mater what she does or says to try to alleviate it.
Of course her family sees the crazy in me. I don’t do the “sports thing” , so there’s nothing to talk about with the “fellas”, I stay infatuated with world events, politics, religion, you know “crazy” stuff.
Empathy as the world screams in my mind for relief, things like the Myanmar cyclone, the dead and crippled filling the streets and rivers. The Chaiten volcano now erupting in southern Chile. The fact that they believe there to be more than 20 million people in the area that may be affected, They scream in my mind. The dead and lost this morning just south of here in Missouri and Oklahoma’s tornadoes.
No one there, nor here wants to hear it nor even pretend they care. My mind screams how the heck could you possible not!?!? Empathy, I guess I got your share? Care to have it back? Maybe just a bit, please?
Then there’s the fact that they have known (of) me for over three years now. Cant say as I blame them for not liking me, I will be the first to admit as here, I am one crazy arse. It never seems to get better, or shut up until I get her (Rochelle) to look me in the eyes and tell me she loves me. For that one split second I almost, just almost, actually believe it. Those times are few…
I have a “mother” probably not unlike most in a dysfunctional family. I seen her some time ago, been months actually, I wouldn’t know if she is alive or dead today. Not that I wish her harm or undue ill will. Its just that I haven’t seen her in awhile, Its the little things I have the problems with, like keeping appointments, phone numbers, addresses, the like. Seem to get lost and lonely real fast because of it.
Beans baking in the oven.
Trying to make “my” baked beans, to take, or for here to take. The closer it gets to the time to go, the less I want to go as usual. I am glad Rochelle is at work, or I probably would of already unconsciously picked a fight with her so I wouldn’t have to go. I pity her at times.
Back to the “beans”, Of course its not my recipe, I lived with another lady, some time ago. Her name was Rosalie, my sweet Rose. Not that anyone else ever knew or thought it but I always thought her to be one of the kindest gentlest people I have ever know. She loved me, disease and all, and took great care of me for close to ten years. Shes gone now. After some 9 or 10 years she finally succumbed to her diabetes and her kidneys , failed. I tried God knows I tried to take care of here at then end. Truth be told, I didn’t, I couldn’t stand to see her there lying in the bed, a shell of what she once was. Even to the last breath she took care of me. I never even noticed she already had the clothes prepared she wanted to be laid to rest in hanging in front of my eyes. It wasn’t until her family came and told me what I should do that I realized they were even there. Hard to revisit… Thank you Rosalie, I miss you terribly sometimes, now!
Forgetfulness: It hasn’t really been Rosalie’s beans since she tried to show me how, some almost twenty years ago now. Sure its a simple recipe really, slice a polska kielbasa up mix with onions, garlic, bit o spices, fry then put in a baking dish, mix in a couple cans of Bushs baked beans (original), add a shot of mustard, a shot of (the best) ,(cant believe I had to just go look), Bulls eye BBQ sauce (original again), add a spoon or two of brown sugar, and a shot of mustard to taste, toss it in the oven at 350 for about 30 minutes and walla Baked beans! It’s never the same as seen by the recipe, but always good. Nice smokey BBQ flavor great with a cook out of any kind.
So here I sit an emotional wreck, feeling like a ten year old girl inside you might say.
These are the day’s, or was that “its the end of the world as we know it”?
Fack, I burnt the beans!!